I write this from my iPhone whilst in the bath tub. I’m researching Tacoma, Washington because I’m slated to present a workshop at the annual conference for the Pilates Method Alliance. This is my third year attending, second presenting, and I plan to do what I have done in past years: go at least a day early in order to have a room entirely to myself. No instructors. No husband. No kid. Just me, alone to do whatever I feel like at my whim and fancy. In previous years it has not been ANYTHING exciting. I usually watch bad tv, eat a meal, sleep, and enter the conference with a clean slate.
I’m embarrassed to say that I’m researching hotels and Tacoma culture because I need an escape at this very minute. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by all of my obligations. Being the captain of a giant Mind Body ship is enough to make anyone crazy, but I’m also the main source of income for my family and constantly sensitive to the fact that I need to make up for all of the missed dinners and time that I am distracted by work. My desire to be an amazing wife and mother means that I do my damnedest to give every minute and ounce of extra energy to my son and husband. Today, my husband thought I wanted to spend time with him when our son napped. I didn’t. I wanted to meal prep for the week. I was in guilt city all afternoon. As a result of said nap, my son would not go to sleep. As is frequently the case with a woman in my situation, I rarely make time for myself. I guilt myself into thinking I can do without.
So I spend the time that I should be sitting in silence with a wash cloth over my face fantasizing about that one single day I give myself, once a year….and writing a blog about it….because the fantasy brings me peace.
The thing is, I am terrible at establishing space for myself. Whenever given the chance to look out for myself or be the hero for someone else, I almost always choose to help someone else. I have enough self awareness to know this is not a good thing. Self care is a very popular in America 2020. I haven’t quite mastered my self care process. I can be good at it… sometimes. My timing is all off. I run myself ragged until almost the point of no return, but when I try to stake a claim on some “me time”, I 100% sound like the not nice word that rhymes with witch. I am also terribly inconsistent.
Is this too personal?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say no. I’m sharing this with all of you to set the tone for how I am going to be here on the blog. Authenticity is also a really “popular” notion these days. I don’t think I can really function being anything but authentic. I’ve learned that trying to be impressive, slick, or professional to make others comfortable is just garbage behavior.
Truth, I need to stop speculating about having time for myself. Which means like anything else, I have to put it in my outlook calendar. Like a boss. Stay tuned to see if I follow through.
In the meantime, what’s fun to do in Tacoma in November?
Lisa Moves 