I broke the seal and filmed a workout for our club’s online portal. I have a couple of clients who are pregnant and so I made a short prenatal flow. Under most circumstances, I HATE watching myself on camera. Ironic because at one point in my life, I had plans to be a working actor, and that would definitely mean that I would have to spend time on camera and of course, watch it with some degree of scrutiny.
I have spent much of my life a size or two larger than the cultural ideals. Raised on a diet of Supermodels followed by Kate Moss and heroin chic, I rarely saw myself as good enough to even compare with what I was being told was beautiful. I have spent a handful of years fitting the mold, but those years involved disordered eating and excessive exercising with a side of struggling mental health. While I love to see more sizes and shapes of bodies being represented than ever before, I still struggle a bit when I see mannequins in my size at Target and Old Navy. They look “big” to me. I cringe a little. I have to go through a whole series of mental gymnastics to remind myself that thin is not the only way to be beautiful.
I’m aware that I don’t look like the cookie cutter of the Pilates girlies you see on social media. I’m also aware than many people feel the need for their fitness instructor to have a body that looks like what they aspire to look like. I don’t have that body.
What I do have is an encyclopedic knowledge of anatomy and movement, a detailed understanding of the work of Pilates, GYROTONIC, and yoga, a razor sharp eye for movement, and a wealth of tricks and cues that can help you get to where you want to go with this work. As an instructor, these things will benefit anyone more than my “hotness.”
Yet, there are times when I feel that my lack of thinness erases the value of the the work that I have done as an instructor. I’m not going to lie. It feels like garbage to find that for some, all of this amounts to absolute zero if my belly jiggles a little or my hips require a size 12 pant.
The memory of how these interactions sting can make me reluctant to occupy spaces where I could be helpful. It can make me hypercritical of what I see on camera, but today, after setting my mind right, I played back the video I made and quite loved it.
Sometimes, I just have to pause and take stock of my values and my purpose to overcome the fear that I won’t be good enough.
Lisa Moves 